Clams Have Feelings Too (Actually They Don't)
by Kyasarin
Summary: A simple argument between the trio turns into a chaotic, silly mess. (songfic, song by NOFX)


(A/N: Hello!  Along with being my first HP fanfic, it's my first songfic, so keep that in mind, kay?  The song is "Clams Have Feelings Too (Actually They Don't)" by NOFX.  The song lyrics are in the )

"Hey, guys!"

Harry and Ron recognized Hermione's voice and turned around to face her.  They had decided to cut Divination (and who could blame them) and were having a nice stroll around the lake.

When Hermione caught up to them, she put her hands on her hips and eyed them both suspiciously.  "Where have you two been?"

Harry and Ron looked at each other.  Oops.  They were supposed to meet her after class.  She said that she wanted their help with something.  

"Um…" Harry began.  If Hermione found out that they'd skipped a class – even if it WAS Divination – it would not be pretty.

"Well, it doesn't matter," she said, to the boys' relief.  "Anyway, I've decided to become a vegetarian."

"That's great, Herm," Ron said with a sideways glance in her direction, "but what's it got to do with us?"

Harry suddenly had a horrid idea.  "You don't think it's another – oh, no," he said, watching her pull a piece of paper out of her pocket and clear her throat.

Before she could start reading, though, Ron snatched the paper out of her hand and read over it himself.  "'We would like to suggest a change in the way that students eat here at-' what?  Herm, dear, what is your point?"

"And does this mean that you're done with SPEW?" Harry asked hopefully.

Hermione sighed.  "No, Harry, and Ron – all I want you to do is sign it."

Ron crossed his arms and shook his head.  "I refuse to sign anything without my lawyer."

Hermione looked outraged.  "Every day, thousands of innocent cows, pigs, and birds are killed, just because YOU'RE too lazy to change your eating habits!"

There was a long silence.  Harry finally broke it with an extremely daft argument: "Well, birds are stupid."

Ron snickered.  "Yeah, with their tiny bird brains."

"Well," Hermione said, rolling her eyes, "you two have tiny bird brains, and I'm not eating YOU for dinner."

"I should hope not," Ron said with sincerity.

Birds are dumb cause small bird brains

But so are kids and old people

Some birds talk, most others sing

I don't see you eat a talking bird

"But, honestly, Hermione, animals have hunted each other since the beginning of time," Harry reasoned.  "It's not as if we're killing something sentient or anything.  Besides," he added as an afterthought, "pigs smell bad."

"Yeah, 'cause they roll around in poo," Ron said.  Both boys found this extremely funny and started laughing hysterically.

Hermione scoffed.  "Well, little kids roll around in dirt and mud and… poo…" She shook her head, and then continued.  "But you don't see me pickling small children's feet and putting them in jars!"

Ron and Harry stopped laughing and stared at her.  "Herm," Ron said, "where are you getting this stuff?"

She just stared back at them.

Pigs smell bad and roll in poo

But so do kids and elderly

I don't see you chop off an old man's feet

Put them in a mason jar and pickle them

"I think she's gone off her rocker," Harry said with a nod.

"Pretty soon, she'll be going on about clam rights," Ron agreed.  "Clams have feelings too!" he said in a high, squeaky voice, mocking Hermione.

"Of course clams don't have feelings!" Hermione snapped angrily.  "They don't have central nervous systems.  Don't be silly!"

Ron clasped his hands and looked at her meaningfully.  "Sh, they might hear you!  You'll hurt their feelings!  Clams have the right to smile too, you know!"

"Um… Ron?" Harry said, tapping Ron on the shoulder.  "Clams don't have faces."

No chowder for you, cause clams have feelings too

Actually they don't have central nervousness

No Manhattan style, clams have the right to smile

Come to think about it, they don't have a face

"Oh, the tragedy!" Ron said melodramatically, putting a hand on his forehead.

"Ron?" Hermione asked.  "Are you quite alright?"  She was beginning to regret that she brought this up at all.

Ron ignored her.  Grabbing Harry by the shoulders, he said, "You've got to believe me.  A clam came to me in a dream…"

Harry played along.  "Really?" he said with mock fascination.

Ron nodded solemnly.  "Yes.  He expressed his unhappiness with his current state.  He couldn't talk, he had no mouth; he couldn't cry, he had no eyes; he couldn't hear, he had no ears-"

"Well, then, why don't we just put them out of their misery?"  Hermione interrupted.

Ron looked like she had just suggested that he should murder Harry.  "Noooooooo… NOT THE CLAMS!!!" he yelled.

They have no face, no place for ears

There's no clam eyes to cry clam tears

No spinal cord, they must get bored

Might as well just put them out of misery

"How can you be so shellfish to eat innocent selfish?" Ron said accusingly.  Then, he realized what he just said.  "I mean, selfish to eat the selfish – I mean – ah, screw it."

I don't believe it's selfish

To eat defenseless shellfish

"C'mon, Harry, we should start a band to raise clam awareness," Ron said, grabbing Harry's arm.

"Uh… sure…" Harry said.  

Ron was already jumping around and playing air guitar.  "NO CHOWDER FOR YOU!  CLAMS HAVE FEELINGS TOO!"

"You guys have lost it," Hermione said. 

"You say that now," Harry replied, "but just wait 'til we're famous."

"And rich," Ron added.

"And on MTV."

"What?"

"Never mind…"

No chowder for you, clams have feelings too

It could happen to you, clams have feelings too

I don't think they do, clams have feelings too

The boys had begun jumping around and yelling again.  Hermione decided to just back away slowly… but she didn't count on backing right into someone else.

"Ouch!  Watch where you're going, Mudbl- oh, my."  Hermione turned to see Draco Malfoy watching Harry and Ron with a raised eyebrow.  "What the hell are they doing?"

"Raising clam awareness," Hermione said dully.

-fin-


End file.
